Trigger warning: contains reference to traumas of a sexual nature, violence and grief. 

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I have experienced many things that have been stored in my womb.  Honing down to the specifics of my intentions - what I wanted to release through kambo, I reached a place where I understood that safety and not feeling safe, shame about things that happened and things I did, and holding on to old stuff to maintain control were my deepest blocks.  People die, people leave has also been an ongoing belief pattern, again relating to safety (of attachment) and control.

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I am safe

I forgive myself

I release what I'm holding onto

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It is said that when you carry an energy with you, for example, me not feeling fundamentally safe, that you attract that energy into your life, which supports the belief system that you are entrenched in, energetically and emotionally.  I have worked very deeply with kambo to undo these core beliefs.  I didn't understand why I had a verbally abusive, aggressive neighbour, nor did I understand why I was getting intimidated by a man, a wolf in sheep's clothing, at work.  After a really goal oriented session where I worked so deeply to shift these beliefs an amazing thing happened, my neighbour moved out and the work-based aggressor got a huge telling off from the business owner and I hadn't even reported him.  This really confirmed to me, not that I needed more confirmation, (but needed to understand how to change it,) that our subconscious belief systems are at the core of our laws of attraction in life.

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When I was little my parents and step-parents wanted custody of me, the knock on effect of having to make an impossible choice was that I wasn't grounded because emotionally I couldn't belong anywhere properly without making a choice.  As a young child I suffered terrible constipation - was ambulanced to hospital on a number of occasions after collapsing and also lost a lot of hair through stress-induced alopecia, handfuls of it got pulled out in school in the playground.  These are stress reactions, I carried forwards with me.

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At 13 my dad died in a terrible accident and I blamed myself for not making the correct decision about where to live, the guilt was heavy.  I began to drink, on weekends, it was 'normal' although I didn't realise it was numbing my grief, I just liked it.  More family members died, accidents, suicide, cancer, 4 actually in very quick succession.  This entrenched my 'people die, people leave' belief, and I catapulted into 'fierce independence' - rely on nobody and nobody will let you down.  Healthy attachment was going to become a problem.

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I left home early, wanting to look after myself and ironically put myself in some very vulnerable positions.  At 17 my boyfriend (first 'true love') had an affair and his friend came to comfort me and he raped me.  I didn't even understand it was rape.  Education wasn't what it is now back then, living with no internet in a small village in Cornwall, you only learnt the words and concepts of what you were taught, people didn't used to teach kids what rape was.  The pain I experienced had me going to the doctors repeatedly but I was told it was psychosomatic, that pain stayed with me intermitantly for years and years, womb pain.

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By 18, I somehow had managed to get my A levels despite not having attended college at all in the second year due to my poor mental health.  (I thank my wonderful step-dad for this, as his time and effort encouraging me educationally meant I was in a strong enough position to pull it off.)  I was whisked off to uni to get me out of the dangerous place I was living in.  Drugs, booze, dysfunctional people, older people, dealers ... but I couldn't function with 'normal' people in a shared flat.  I soon moved out, in with 4 older guys and stopped attending uni.  I was working in bars and drinking heavily, working with homeless people, drinking heavily after work, and smoking a lot of weed.

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I entered a scary relationship that nearly got violent - well it did, but I escaped without the violence getting me, others in the friendship group got attacked.  I got stalked and left all friends behind because he would always find me.  I met someone else, as a friend at first and we were going to leave, just go travelling to Spain.  I didn't feel right in my body, I was pregnant.  Not with this friend, but the stalking ex who had found me in a pub and I can't remember what happened. 

 

My first of two abortions.  I didn't discuss it, I didn't feel any emotions openly, I was in shock.  Young, very alone and unable to process what happened, I should have gone home to my mum and step-dad.  However I was 'fiercely independant', - my 'friend' was the only one who knew what was happening was there for me.  That friend became the most dangerous man I have ever met.  We ended up together, he was 36, I was 18 - but back in those days people weren't trained to watch out for these typical abuse/control dynamics and signs.  No one knew what he used to do to me, they don't really know now, nor did I comprehand it at the time.  I was pretty numb at this stage and terrifying behaviour had been normalised.   I decided out of nowhere (not really out of nowhere, from the unprocessed abortion) that I wanted a baby, and was blessed with my beautiful daughter.

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Bringing my daughter into such dysfunction is a source of shame for me.  Where I didn't have strength to protect myself from him, I did however, have the strength to protect her, eventually I had to move cities for our safety.  The stressful pregnancy had caused harm though, for which I will always be so sorry.  The birth was frightening, I was ill prepared, uneducated and a baby, having a baby.

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I had always wanted a child, and had always had numerous weird and wonderful pets, and appeared to be a natural care-giver, when my brothers were born I thought they were mine!  Real live dolls I wanted to look after and protect.  I remember being broody at 2 years old.  I also remember being homeless at 2 and many other scary memories associated with that, and here is the foundation of 'lack of safety' beliefs, which were re-confirmed through grief, and then the people I attracted into my life.

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I began studying complementary therapies and practicing massage and reflexology and then reiki healing, I started having psychic interactions with my womb - seeing it in 3d, I was being told something there!  I opened a clinic, it closed, I moved cities again, set up a new therapy room, began to foster children.  I fell pregnant a month before I was due to become a foster carer and had to decide whether to have the baby or to foster as you can't do both.  I chose fostering, but went through a terrible time with the abortion, it was very difficult. 

 

29 children and 18 years of clients later, a whole lot of nurturing, I found myself in a relationship I thought I was safe in.  I wasn't.  All the relationships I'd had over the 20 years were nice, kind, loving, not quite right, but fun.  They usually lasted about a year.  However I knew this guy for 10 years, I'd loved him, we had been friends for a long time, and so when he loved me I was ready.  My daughter left home, I stopped fostering, dropped my house, moved in with him and then things went nasty really quickly.  There were signs I didn't see looking back, so I have spent a lot of years recently trying to forgive myself for that.

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As soon as things went nasty and became frightening I left.  This experience took me 2.5 years to recover from, because I had put myself back in the same position I was in 20 years previously.  An alcohol-fuelled, controlling, aggressive and abusive situation.  I could no longer trust my choices, and I moved to the countryside and hid from the world.  I fostered two toddlers for the pandemic and my mum died out of the blue.

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Post pandemic I went on to spend a year learning to fight - doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, exploring safe touch with men and releasing my grrrrrrrrrrs.  The toddlers got adopted.  I had long ago stopped doing healing and therapy work, I felt I had nothing left to give and needed to re-group my energy.  I began mountain climbing, I made new friends all over the country, and most importantly I stopped drinking.  Feeling all the griefs, all the experiences again, I sat with being sober, which I still am.  I began to finally process things without being a bit fuzzy.  My time had come, the kambo frog was calling me, I had built two ponds in my garden and my step-dad had lovingly built me ponds throughout my life.  My favourite book as a child was about 'how to catch frogs' frogs everywhere I turn, but I didn't know it was kambo calling.  Being sober and experiencing kambo has re-attuned my energy and released my really old blocks.

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3 days after my first session of kambo I experienced a 'womb purge' as I call it.  It looked like a miscarriage.  I didn't experience pain during or after the session.  Subsequent sessions have found me calling out as quietly as I could, whilst clinging to a hot water bottle with my womb contracting feeling like I was in labour or spasming with really bad, off the scale, period pains.  This happened after sessions 2, 3, 4, not 5 (but I was about to have a double so I was lured in by the frog!) and 6.  usually 20 minutes but up to 45 minutes each time.  

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For sessions 7 and 8, 9 and 10, I had the concept of not swallowing my noise introduced and gradually felt safer to make a bit more noise, by my 11th session I was howling, but still not with real freedom.

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My real howling and screaming and releasing happened on my own in my own ceremony room where nobody could hear me.  Where I experienced a huge amount of flash backs of dangerous situations I had been in as a teen, me as a child, a whole lot of self-forgiving went on that day.  I clung to my hot water bottle, I was on my knees, the process was the most intense thing, and I feel I released a lot but I don't think it's all gone quite yet.

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Part of my purging and release was digestive and during my 3 kambo sessions in 3 hours initiation, I went to the toilet 4 times.  It was a camping toilet with a bucket, I filled that bucket so much it blocked the toilet!  I had been carrying that around a long time and it wasn't just that, every day there was more.  My insides felt a bit less stable, less solid, I felt a bit vulnerable if I'm honest, less physically strong.  I lost over a stone in 2 weeks and most of that was shit!  Shit I'd been really attached to lugging around all my life!

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So, if you have read this far, you can see where my intentions of what I needed to purge out into that bucket came from.  There's much more of course, you can add a very unhealthy dose of being harrassed on the street, groped whilst out, molested by my boss at work and threatened with my job for speaking up, another attempted rape, being stalked by 3 different men over many years, being denied an injunction to keep me safe for 'not having enough police reports of violence' - these are things that went unnoticed in years gone by, they are the things that add up energetically. 

 

From the entire share here, you can see a lot of this hinges around being a woman, not being safe in my feminine body, nuturing people, mothering many children.  This stuff has collected in my womb.  When I first had sananga I had a very interesting experience where it released emotions in me and I cried many tears - they were tears of other people, tears of foster children that I had been carrying around.  I experienced flashes of their faces and felt their pain as I released what I was carrying.  Sananga is an integral part of the kambo experience of release.

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My journey isn't over, a huge part of the journey was identifying those core beliefs and finding my intentions.  That's the really specific part that then helps the future because you know what you are working with.  I urge anyone and everyone to explore releasing their traumas at these physical, energetic, vibrational and emotional levels.  You come out feeling amazing, like the warrior you are!  Re-aligned, clear, focussed, fitter, healthier, cleaner.  In tune with your energy and with the spirit of nature.

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Thank you for reading this far, I have shared my journey to encourage you whatever your gender, whatever your life's work, I hope I've touched a part of you that wants to raise your vibration and create more light in your life.

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Leilah

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